Accentuate the Positive

OK so I'm bouncing around in a bit of a rut 

I need to focus on some of the positive changes that have happened and I set myself a challenge to find 10 good things that have happened to me since I started on this roller coaster ride.

1). The biggest change is that I have lost 8 kg in 100 days. That by itself should be cause for celebration. The fact that I haven't lost any weight in the last 20 of those 100 days shouldn't scare me off. I just need to change my focus, try some new ideas and re-gain some traction right? All the ideas I've put together in my last post will help I'm sure. 

2). I have lost at least three centimetres off me butt, a good two centimetres off my neck, some around the area under my breasts, two and a half centimetres have gone off my hips but nothing on my tummy girth.   Clothes are starting to feel looser in some places but not that lose that I have to get smaller sizes yet. My tummy is still in the way for that just yet. 

3).  It's really funny but the circumference of my feet have shrunk. I know this because there are some pairs of my shoes that are now too big and Ive had to go and throw them aside to deliver to an op shop and go buy some new ones - well that's not a bad thing is it?  New shoes mmmmmm.

Christmas 2014

4).  Everyone is commenting on the changes they have seen in my face. That I have lost some of the puffiness and my skin is looking a lot healthier. Can you notice the difference in the last four months? 

April 2015

5). My nose is skinnier. Seriously. It is. I know this because my glasses keep slipping off the bridge lol. 

6). I'm not scared about going to boot camp anymore. In fact I'm really starting to enjoy it. I can do the whole 45 min without quitting though I'm not up to jogging or running pace, I can do a good quick walk.   In fact 7 weeks ago I couldn't even attempt to do a triceps dip like in the photo below but I managed to do five at boot camp on Monday night.   I even got a high five from my trainer. That was sweet 

7:). I can walk up the three flights of stairs between our four floors at work without stopping. I still get a bit puffed when I make it to Level 11 from Level 8 but it doesn't last or hurt like it used to. 

8). In fact I'm doing a lot more walking. The longest I've achieved is 4.93 km and that took 40 minutes. I turn on Map My Walk and "start my workout", find the AP for The Sound radio station and off I go. Walking is a good way of clearing the mind. I usually don't try to think about anything or anyone, though I wouldn't call it meditating but it's just a sense of mindfulness. 

9). I'm still having a love affair with Daf. You remember her. My luffly bright yellow push bike. Her and I have had some great excursions. Best one was 11.5 kms. I try to get out on her even now in the autumn but the winds just keep getting in the way and so I'm only getting 3 or 4 km rides in now but even so with all the friction from the headwinds I sure I burn more calories lol   In fact my app tells me that I have logged 338 km of walks and bike rides since 12th Jan. 

And finally number 10). It took me a while to think what number ten was and the. It dawned on me. 

I'm feeling a lot happier within my own self and more positive towards life in general. Sure I still have some stresses happening especially with not having any luck selling my house and pressure coming from the bank and a couple of workmen that I haven't been able to pay for the work they have completed on the house but that aside I am beginning to love myself again.

HOLD THE PHONE

I put on my favourite dress this morning so it would give me a little lift and holy cow.  I put on the dress and then the belt and realised that I had gone down a few notches.  Actually I've gone down three notches from the original one I used when I first wore the dress a year ago.

High fives and a head swell for me and ......

So ill leave the last word to the most wonderful Aretha Franklin

  

Its just a blue day

A year ago I was in a pretty bad space.

January saw the beginning of the end as far as I was concerned.  I was trying to cope with being diagnosed with severe depression, my weight had ballooned. My relationship with my partner of five years had fallen apart. I had moved out and through the kindness of the most dearest friend, Mal, had found somewhere to live until I could sort myself, or my relationship out and I was a blubbering mess.

By the beginning of March my relationship was over and it wasn't my decision, but the decision was made because of an open letter I wrote and published on Facebook explaining what I was going through, what I was feeling and how I wasn't coping.  It was a letter to Jason and to my friends, acknowledging I was sick and needing help, an outpouring of all my thoughts and feelings, the good and the bad, a way of bringing all my anxiety out in the open, a way of repairing.  It was to me all a part of my healing process.  Unfortunately Jason didn't think so and made the decision that he didn't want to try to heal our relationship and it was over. 

Me in March 2014 - check out the false smile

I didn't think that life could have gotten so awful.  I wasn't suicidal or anything like that but I couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep or eat properly, I lived on a never ending supply of bourbon.  I started smoking a bit again - not regularly but when I felt that emotionally wrenched I needed the calming influence of nicotine. How on earth I coped at work I don't know.  There was a lot of running behind closed meeting room doors when I would start crying for no reason.  A lot of mindless walks around outside trying to calm down and clear my head.



Mal was a godsend.  He was always there when I needed to borrow his shoulder, to cry on or for a hug.  He never gave me advice or told me what I needed to do, but he listened to all of my outpourings.  He put up with me cleaning his flat, cooking for him and making him do the dishes.  Mind you I was trying to put him in training for when his luffly lady Jackie would be arriving from England to live with him.

Blue Day by the band Mi Sex was my song.  Every time I played it, I cried, I blubbered.  But it was my mantra.  I played this song over and over and over and over again.  I'm surprised Mal never shouted at me for playing it so much. I'm sure it, and me, got on his nerves more than once or twice.

It's hard to make believe everyday
Things are not always the way they should be
Words come easy if you-ou try
Hidin' in the shadow of your eyes

And I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
And I tell myself it's just a blue-ue day

Siftin' through the thoughts that lead you on
Find the door that's open, now you're gone
We softly say to our-ourselves
If we could be anybody else

And I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
Blue day-ay
Blue day-ay

When you fin'ly see the change in me
It's hard to understa-and
Why can't you see I'm just the same
As any other man
I can't seem to shake it off
It follows me around
Blue day-ay
Blue day-ay-ay-ayay-ay-ay

And I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
And I tell myself it's just a blue day
So hard to see it any other way
Blue-day-ay-ay-ay
(I tell myself it's just a blue day) 

A year ago last week was the Newtown Festival and there I bumped into Erin.  She was one in my extended circle of contacts.  We had met through a dating website of all places and was one of my friends on Facebook.  She came up to me and gave me a big hug.  Told me not to worry, that everything was going to be alright.  It might not seem like it right now but it would be.

Then she said "Oh and if you want something to take your mind off things why don't you come and help out at Roller Derby". I think i remember saying something like "Yeah right - like I'm going to get on skates again in this lifetime".

Erin explained that they were in need of people to be NSOs - that's Non Skating Officials, for the uninitiated. 

So I said "sure why not, I can come along and watch and see if I like it or not".

So plans were made that day.

A year later, Erin and I met up at this years Newtown Festival in the same spot on the same day and you know what she was right.

Jo and Erin at Newtown Festival 2015

Everything is alright.

I've started losing weight - 7.2kg today (over eight weeks)

I'm still alive and kicking

I'm managing to turn my life around again.

I went to watch Roller Derby and now I am an NSO for Richter City Roller Derby.  I play Scorekeeper or Jam Tracker or Jam Timer and blow the whistle and yell with authority (I love those bits lol),

I managed to find myself somewhere to live. I couldn't live with Mal and Jackie when she arrived.  It wouldn't have been fair on their little love nest no matter how welcome I was.  I decided to stay in Lyall Bay which ironically was the place I used to live with my ex husband before we got married (something like 27 years ago lol).  

You know, I still miss Jason, a little part of me still loves him dearly and wishes that I could turn back time, but I know that is never going to happen.  That we will probably never be friends is a certainty given the animosity over the last few months (but that's another story maybe for another time). 

My year of mourning the loss of the man I wanted to grow old with is now over and a new day (purple of course lol) has begun. 

I also heard my song the other night for the first time in a what seems like forever now.  I was at the bowling club last Friday night and it played on the radio.  It wasn't until just about the end of the song when I clicked it was playing - and I said to myself "Thanks for that song Mi Sex - boy did it help me in my time of need..

And you know what....... 

It was just a blue day

Oh and I haven't had another cigarette again.

Its the little things

Its the little things I've noticed over the last few weeks that have really started to make a change and I realise that Shit yes they were big things in my unhealthy life. Far more than the actual weight on the scales, these little things are starting to give me confidence to continue.  Though the scales are telling me I have achieved a 5.4 kg weight loss over the last six weeks, its not always about the wins on the scales that matter, but the wins in your lifestyle changes.

On Friday at the stadium watching the Black Caps slaughter England I walked up the 30+ steps to Row X three times, that's three times without stopping. I could not have done that a couple of months ago.

Today it was I walked up two flights of stairs between Floor 8 and Floor 10 of our building without stopping and without being winded.  That's a first.

Last Monday at Bootcamp I managed to do squats holding a 10 kg weight - I can't remember the last time I squatted (well without it being on the toilet haha).

And at Roller Derby scrimmage last week, we had to "take a knee".  Take a knee means a Skater has been injured on the track and we go down on bended knee as a Health and Safety requirement until the Skater is able to be removed from the track.  There was no way I used to be able to do this.  It was just too hard for me to get down and then get back up again - in fact it was really embarrassing - but last week I did it.  I managed to get down, stay down and get myself up.  All without struggling and all without help.  For me that is a biggie because its always been a hard thing to try to do.

And funnily enough my feet are changing.  I have two pairs of Wedges that I cant wear anymore before the circumference of my feet has shrunk and the shoes are now too well baggy on me hahaha.

And lastly the shape of my face is changing so everyone says.  I dont really see it myself as I stare into the mirror each day but those who havent seen me in a while saw a photo of me or the real me on Friday and commented that they could see that I had lost some of the puffiness in my face - what do you reckon?

Christmas 2014

February 2015

Happy Birthday to me

On January 11th this year (2015) I turned 46 years old. I celebrated the day with family and friends. The sun was out in force, there was a little breeze here and there. The music was playing, the BBQ sizzling. It was a great day and yes we all pigged out on fantastic food and of course alcohol.

The following morning, my first day back at work after three weeks Christmas Holiday leave, I jumped on the scales and saw that I had hit 141.3 kgs (That's 311.5 pounds or 22.2 stone for those who need to understand it in non metric weights).

Now I've always been a big girl and there are physical and psychological reasons behind it (that I'll go into at another time maybe). I used to be 150+ kgs 8 years ago but I had managed to lose 28 kg after my ex husband left and our marriage broke up. (mostly through stress and not eating binges which isn't  a great way to lose weight as we all know)

I managed to keep most of the weight off by having fits and spurts of joining a gym and giving up, walking and giving up because I had found a new man and I needed to keep the weight in check for him. And within reason it worked. I fluctuated here and there but kept my weight reasonably steady over 6 years at around 120 kg.

Until my 44th birthday that is. Until I broke my foot in 2012 (on my birthday yes and no there was no alcohol involved) and spent nine months on crutches without being active and then in 2013 (again on my birthday) my relationship fell apart and within three weeks I was single again.

So between not being active for nearly a year, giving up smoking after 30+ years and then trying to learn to live life again as a single person after doing all the grieving and soul searching and self pity and lack of self esteem that goes with a relationship breakup, not to mention the copious amounts of alcohol that can be consumed during frequent bouts of misery, I could be forgiven for putting on a little weight but hells bells I've put back on over 20kg.

So what the heck do I do. I can't afford to go to a gym. I'm a shocker at bag eating habits. Coke, potato chips and burgers are my friends. Jenny Craig, weight watchers and other diet help places are out of reach financially and I'm such a picky eater I couldn't eat half the meals/meal ideas they offer anyway.  I brought myself a bike mid way through  last year and its collected dust more than mileage. Good comfy sneakers sit idly in the bottom of my wardrobe.

I'm discussing my woes to my good friend Tanya (henceforth known as Ms Peas and I'll tell ya why later) and she suggests I try using the App My Fitness Pal to help with calorie counting and exercise. So I download it, play around, test and trial it and a week later I'm hooked.

All I had to do was fill in all my personal information. Height, weight, measurements etc and end weight goal and it gave me a max calorie intake per day to be able to lead me to my goal safely.

My goal?

To get to 99 kg in 52 weeks. To lose 42 kg by my next birthday

A big ask you say?  I'm a big girl and big girls need big goals to strive to.

This is my story about how I give up on being A Beached Whale forever

So if you don't want to see the semi naked truth then please don't look any further. But I need to face the facts.

This is going to be a no holes barred diary.  It's going to get graphic both visually and verbally. I May even no actually I will resort to a swear word now and again too.

I'd love for you to join me in my journey but if you're squeamish then I'll understand if you don't.

So there you go. You see before you the semi naked truth. Underneath the cool clothes I wear to work to casually hide my bumps and rolls this is me. I look,at myself in the mirror and I cringe at what I see. I cringe that my stomach looks like a beer belly. I cringe that my underarms hang out of my bra strap.  So now you can see too. Can see what I am at the start of my journey. 

So here I go .........