BootsnAll

These are my favourite pair of boots that I own.  I adore them but I cant wear them.  Why? because of my body.  I carry too much weight which in turn puts too much pressure on my lower back when I wear heels that are more than just a couple of centimetres off the the ground. So much so that by the end of the day if I wear any high boot or shoe I am usually limping from the weight being distributed into my lower back and feet.  So I keep my heels small and thick rather than talk and spiky.  

Drool Drool Drool

Heaven help me if I even think about wanting to buy Stilettos. One day I will be able to wear these luffy things again and strut my stuff again.  In the meantime I have a wardrobe full of another 15 pairs of boots I can still wear instead.

Right now I'm daydreaming of more boots for winter so I best blink and get on with the real topic.

A year ago today I was in Hamilton for the week spending some I guess you could call it on a working holiday.  I had spent Queens Birthday in Edgecumbe catching up with a mate and wanted to stay in Hamilton for the week so I could attend a concert on the following Friday.  So I managed to get my Manager to approve me working from the Hamilton office for the week and talked my girlfriend Tanya into letting me crash at her place for a few nights.

On the Wednesday she talked me into attending boot camp with her.  I said yes - but oh boy was I in for it.  I nearly died - in fact Tanya nearly died from the evil looks I was giving her as I was being tortured with running and stretching and push ups and sit ups and all those other horrible things.  The worst thing was it was in public.  Boot camp was held at the side of a park by Hamilton Lake.  So EVERYONE in-sundry could see the big flat flabby me making a fool of herself trying to keep up with the other inmates, I mean trainees.
  Karina at Só Você (Only You) - Health & Fitness was so lovely and oh so patient with me. Tanya kept cheering me on even when I was way way WAY behind the rest of the group.  By the end of the session I was shattered.  I could hardly talk, let alone walk back to the car.  I think it would have been fairer if they had called me an ambulance to take me away.

Today it's a totally different story.  I love boot camp.  I am currently going two nights a week and a third session on Saturday morning.  There are so many things that have changed with my body and my mind since I first started with MSP  - Soul Fitness that its so enjoyable to be there.

I can do squats and hold them now - never used to be able to even bend my legs.  I would always "use my back as a crane".  Now I can squat for both exercise or just for picking up something from the ground (well it depends on how tight my trousers are lol) and pull myself back up again without even a big sigh.

I can do triceps dips.  You know those god awful things I told you about a month or so back where you have to lever your body up and down with your hands holding onto a box or bench behind you.

These horrible things

I can jog - heck I haven't jogged since I was forced to when doing the Cross Country event up Moonshine Hill Road back in college days.  But yes I can now jog.  I so shocked myself a few weeks back when my body just decided that a fast walk just wasn't fast enough anymore and it clicked into second gear and started going faster.  Albeit it is a very slog jog but I can maintain it for the times when required.

I think the biggest change in my fitness though is that all the torturous things that Ness and Henry put me through three times are week are getting easier.  The original 5kg kettle bell I was having an affair with has now been bumped up to a minimum of 8kg or 12kg depending on which exercise we are doing. I can do the kettle bell squat with the 12kg but not really coordinated enough to use it with the swings so cut back down to the 8kg for that.

In fact Ness actually came up to me last week during a workout and took the "light" set of weights off me and make me use a heavier set (I think it was 15kg weight on the bar instead of 5kg lol).  

And you know what.  I'm usually one of the first to arrive at Bootcamp (usually a good 10-15 min early).  I'm usually the first one to initiate the walking warm up (laps up and down the gym) each session and I think the only thing I can't get myself down to do yet is Bear Crawls.  Tis bad enough seeing my butt up in the air each time Ness takes a photo of me pushing the weight sleigh lol. Though she did compliment me the last time I complained that my butt was nowhere near as big as what it was when I first started.

See thats my big butt on the right

Oh and I can kind of "Plank" too 

I'm a Plank in disguise

- just not that straight yet - but boy its one hell of an achievement so far don't you think.

1Potato2Potato

3 Potato 4
5 Potato 6 Potato
7 Potato More

well that's what I remember as a kid as to how the song goes.

Anyway what does 7 or more potatoes have to do with me and my journey.

Well, I'm trying to work out how many potatoes could actually be inside a standard sack of spuds.  That's a ten kg sack of spuds not just a 2, 3 or 5 kg bag but a whopping ten kgs. 

Do you know how heavy one of those bags are to lift and throw into your shopping trolley?  Almost heavy enough to need a man to do it for you.

So why am I fixated today on a 10kg sack of spuds?

Because thats how much weight I have lost so far in my journey. 

In fact its actually more than that - I hit 11.3 kg lost in total this week.

And why didnt I celebrate hitting the ten kg mark? - because it went by without me even realising it.

I got hit with a bad reaction to the Flu Jab last week on Monday morning and by the mid afternoon I was feeling hot and flustered and by 5pm I was in bed snuggled up with a box of tissues and thats pretty much where I stayed until Saturday. So my usual weigh in didnt happen because I just didn't have the energy to even bend down to turn the scales on. 

So when I did manage to jump on the scales on the Sunday morning instead, it was to find that it was reading 130.0 kg.  I had to reweigh myself a good two or three times because I didnt believe it.  I truly thought my scales were wonky.

So I decided to leave it, thinking that maybe there was an issue with me "over resting all week being in bed with the bad cold" and not being normally active and tried again on Monday morning and low and behold it within a hundred grams or so it was the same weight showing on the display.

So in ten days I had lost 2.2 kg - Im still in shock lol.  I guess the plateau I was so stressing over last month has finally stopped and my body has decided it was fine and dandy again to lose a bit more now.

So overall its been 125 days and I have lost 11.3 kg.

Im so proud of myself.

Im so proud that I have kept on this road.

Im so proud that I haven't quit on myself or on my supporters.

But most of all

Im really starting to actually see the difference in my body now.

Everyone has seen the changes in my face as picked up in my last blog but there are now other things I'm noticing with the rest of my body. 

My rings are getting way to loose on my fingers now that I think Im just going to have to take them off and put them away til I can afford to get them resized.

Under my arms isnt as saggy baggy anymore - this Ive noticed because my bras are feeling a bit looser.

My upper core isnt looking like Im totally bloated. I can see a little change there and also my butt has lost some of its padding.

Time to see if you can spot the changes from the beginning photo I took in January. 

There's a little difference there don't ya reckon?  And I'm not talking about my hair colour ok lol

Arent I amazeballs :)

So how many potatoes are in a 10 kg sack of spuds? About 80-100 depending on their size. 

Hang on Help is on its way

So for the last three weeks or so, I've been pretty down that my weight loss hasn't been moving much from the 133kg mark- oh did I forget to tell you that I had made it down 8 kg - oh dear I'm sorry I forgot to yell out that achievement.  I made an 8 kilo loss in 80 days.

Anyway over the past three weeks I've been fluctuating between 133.3 and 133.9 kg's without much success in moving in any lower.  While It hasn't depressed me, its put me in a bit of a blah head space which in turn stopped my motivation to blog.  Which is really wrong because I should be able to blog the bad as well as the good - its what a blog is there for - to give me the space to express all the trials and tribulations.

My exercise had petered of somewhat due to the change in weather - sometimes a bit too windy or wet to bike and walk these days and I was being a bit naughty and having little treats too often.

So I decided that I needed some more support.

First things first - off to the Doctor for a check up last Friday. (Side note - she heads off on maternity leave in a couple of weeks and I don't like her replacement, so maybe its time to actually make the move to a local doctor and forget travelling back out to the Hutt).

Dr Liz recommended signing me up for a Green Prescription.  

A Green Prescription is a primary health initiative where GPs and practice nurses write a referral for a patient to access support for increasing their physical activity.  The Green Prescription is run by Sport Wellington and their support staff provide 3-4 months of phone support to assist me in finding enjoyable physical activity options and fit the activities into a routine and get me into the mood to make exercise a habit.  Which is going to be great to find alternative things to do during winter.

Another great thing about this Green Prescription is that they will do a referral to Wellington City Council for me to get a Leisure Card (through Wellington City Council) which gives me 50% discount off the admission to the local swimming pools and the Spa Pool (ahhhhh sigh) and 20% discount off the associated fitness centre memberships.
There's also some other added value like receiving discounts on theatre tickets or museum entry fees or other recreation and leisure services.

The other thing Im off to do is a 10 week Wahine (that's Maori for Woman) Wellness Course run by the team at MSP Soul Fitness (where I do boot camp).  It starts tomorrow night and covers everything from health checks, education, nutrition, and physical activity sessions as well as some inspiring and motivating speakers.  

Ive even given up Toastmasters for the next five meetings (Toasties is held fortnightly) so that I can attend this course.  Its free for the Wednesday night sessions and then i just pay $2 for the exercise sessions I attend - which will be my normal Monday night and then maybe the 7.15am Saturday morning session if I'm feeling motivated.

So thats the plan of attack - I think, no I KNOW that this is going to help.  As always Ill keep you posted.

Its just a blue day

A year ago I was in a pretty bad space.

January saw the beginning of the end as far as I was concerned.  I was trying to cope with being diagnosed with severe depression, my weight had ballooned. My relationship with my partner of five years had fallen apart. I had moved out and through the kindness of the most dearest friend, Mal, had found somewhere to live until I could sort myself, or my relationship out and I was a blubbering mess.

By the beginning of March my relationship was over and it wasn't my decision, but the decision was made because of an open letter I wrote and published on Facebook explaining what I was going through, what I was feeling and how I wasn't coping.  It was a letter to Jason and to my friends, acknowledging I was sick and needing help, an outpouring of all my thoughts and feelings, the good and the bad, a way of bringing all my anxiety out in the open, a way of repairing.  It was to me all a part of my healing process.  Unfortunately Jason didn't think so and made the decision that he didn't want to try to heal our relationship and it was over. 

Me in March 2014 - check out the false smile

I didn't think that life could have gotten so awful.  I wasn't suicidal or anything like that but I couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep or eat properly, I lived on a never ending supply of bourbon.  I started smoking a bit again - not regularly but when I felt that emotionally wrenched I needed the calming influence of nicotine. How on earth I coped at work I don't know.  There was a lot of running behind closed meeting room doors when I would start crying for no reason.  A lot of mindless walks around outside trying to calm down and clear my head.



Mal was a godsend.  He was always there when I needed to borrow his shoulder, to cry on or for a hug.  He never gave me advice or told me what I needed to do, but he listened to all of my outpourings.  He put up with me cleaning his flat, cooking for him and making him do the dishes.  Mind you I was trying to put him in training for when his luffly lady Jackie would be arriving from England to live with him.

Blue Day by the band Mi Sex was my song.  Every time I played it, I cried, I blubbered.  But it was my mantra.  I played this song over and over and over and over again.  I'm surprised Mal never shouted at me for playing it so much. I'm sure it, and me, got on his nerves more than once or twice.

It's hard to make believe everyday
Things are not always the way they should be
Words come easy if you-ou try
Hidin' in the shadow of your eyes

And I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
And I tell myself it's just a blue-ue day

Siftin' through the thoughts that lead you on
Find the door that's open, now you're gone
We softly say to our-ourselves
If we could be anybody else

And I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
Blue day-ay
Blue day-ay

When you fin'ly see the change in me
It's hard to understa-and
Why can't you see I'm just the same
As any other man
I can't seem to shake it off
It follows me around
Blue day-ay
Blue day-ay-ay-ayay-ay-ay

And I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
And I tell myself it's just a blue day
So hard to see it any other way
Blue-day-ay-ay-ay
(I tell myself it's just a blue day) 

A year ago last week was the Newtown Festival and there I bumped into Erin.  She was one in my extended circle of contacts.  We had met through a dating website of all places and was one of my friends on Facebook.  She came up to me and gave me a big hug.  Told me not to worry, that everything was going to be alright.  It might not seem like it right now but it would be.

Then she said "Oh and if you want something to take your mind off things why don't you come and help out at Roller Derby". I think i remember saying something like "Yeah right - like I'm going to get on skates again in this lifetime".

Erin explained that they were in need of people to be NSOs - that's Non Skating Officials, for the uninitiated. 

So I said "sure why not, I can come along and watch and see if I like it or not".

So plans were made that day.

A year later, Erin and I met up at this years Newtown Festival in the same spot on the same day and you know what she was right.

Jo and Erin at Newtown Festival 2015

Everything is alright.

I've started losing weight - 7.2kg today (over eight weeks)

I'm still alive and kicking

I'm managing to turn my life around again.

I went to watch Roller Derby and now I am an NSO for Richter City Roller Derby.  I play Scorekeeper or Jam Tracker or Jam Timer and blow the whistle and yell with authority (I love those bits lol),

I managed to find myself somewhere to live. I couldn't live with Mal and Jackie when she arrived.  It wouldn't have been fair on their little love nest no matter how welcome I was.  I decided to stay in Lyall Bay which ironically was the place I used to live with my ex husband before we got married (something like 27 years ago lol).  

You know, I still miss Jason, a little part of me still loves him dearly and wishes that I could turn back time, but I know that is never going to happen.  That we will probably never be friends is a certainty given the animosity over the last few months (but that's another story maybe for another time). 

My year of mourning the loss of the man I wanted to grow old with is now over and a new day (purple of course lol) has begun. 

I also heard my song the other night for the first time in a what seems like forever now.  I was at the bowling club last Friday night and it played on the radio.  It wasn't until just about the end of the song when I clicked it was playing - and I said to myself "Thanks for that song Mi Sex - boy did it help me in my time of need..

And you know what....... 

It was just a blue day

Oh and I haven't had another cigarette again.

Its the little things

Its the little things I've noticed over the last few weeks that have really started to make a change and I realise that Shit yes they were big things in my unhealthy life. Far more than the actual weight on the scales, these little things are starting to give me confidence to continue.  Though the scales are telling me I have achieved a 5.4 kg weight loss over the last six weeks, its not always about the wins on the scales that matter, but the wins in your lifestyle changes.

On Friday at the stadium watching the Black Caps slaughter England I walked up the 30+ steps to Row X three times, that's three times without stopping. I could not have done that a couple of months ago.

Today it was I walked up two flights of stairs between Floor 8 and Floor 10 of our building without stopping and without being winded.  That's a first.

Last Monday at Bootcamp I managed to do squats holding a 10 kg weight - I can't remember the last time I squatted (well without it being on the toilet haha).

And at Roller Derby scrimmage last week, we had to "take a knee".  Take a knee means a Skater has been injured on the track and we go down on bended knee as a Health and Safety requirement until the Skater is able to be removed from the track.  There was no way I used to be able to do this.  It was just too hard for me to get down and then get back up again - in fact it was really embarrassing - but last week I did it.  I managed to get down, stay down and get myself up.  All without struggling and all without help.  For me that is a biggie because its always been a hard thing to try to do.

And funnily enough my feet are changing.  I have two pairs of Wedges that I cant wear anymore before the circumference of my feet has shrunk and the shoes are now too well baggy on me hahaha.

And lastly the shape of my face is changing so everyone says.  I dont really see it myself as I stare into the mirror each day but those who havent seen me in a while saw a photo of me or the real me on Friday and commented that they could see that I had lost some of the puffiness in my face - what do you reckon?

Christmas 2014

February 2015

Happy Birthday to me

On January 11th this year (2015) I turned 46 years old. I celebrated the day with family and friends. The sun was out in force, there was a little breeze here and there. The music was playing, the BBQ sizzling. It was a great day and yes we all pigged out on fantastic food and of course alcohol.

The following morning, my first day back at work after three weeks Christmas Holiday leave, I jumped on the scales and saw that I had hit 141.3 kgs (That's 311.5 pounds or 22.2 stone for those who need to understand it in non metric weights).

Now I've always been a big girl and there are physical and psychological reasons behind it (that I'll go into at another time maybe). I used to be 150+ kgs 8 years ago but I had managed to lose 28 kg after my ex husband left and our marriage broke up. (mostly through stress and not eating binges which isn't  a great way to lose weight as we all know)

I managed to keep most of the weight off by having fits and spurts of joining a gym and giving up, walking and giving up because I had found a new man and I needed to keep the weight in check for him. And within reason it worked. I fluctuated here and there but kept my weight reasonably steady over 6 years at around 120 kg.

Until my 44th birthday that is. Until I broke my foot in 2012 (on my birthday yes and no there was no alcohol involved) and spent nine months on crutches without being active and then in 2013 (again on my birthday) my relationship fell apart and within three weeks I was single again.

So between not being active for nearly a year, giving up smoking after 30+ years and then trying to learn to live life again as a single person after doing all the grieving and soul searching and self pity and lack of self esteem that goes with a relationship breakup, not to mention the copious amounts of alcohol that can be consumed during frequent bouts of misery, I could be forgiven for putting on a little weight but hells bells I've put back on over 20kg.

So what the heck do I do. I can't afford to go to a gym. I'm a shocker at bag eating habits. Coke, potato chips and burgers are my friends. Jenny Craig, weight watchers and other diet help places are out of reach financially and I'm such a picky eater I couldn't eat half the meals/meal ideas they offer anyway.  I brought myself a bike mid way through  last year and its collected dust more than mileage. Good comfy sneakers sit idly in the bottom of my wardrobe.

I'm discussing my woes to my good friend Tanya (henceforth known as Ms Peas and I'll tell ya why later) and she suggests I try using the App My Fitness Pal to help with calorie counting and exercise. So I download it, play around, test and trial it and a week later I'm hooked.

All I had to do was fill in all my personal information. Height, weight, measurements etc and end weight goal and it gave me a max calorie intake per day to be able to lead me to my goal safely.

My goal?

To get to 99 kg in 52 weeks. To lose 42 kg by my next birthday

A big ask you say?  I'm a big girl and big girls need big goals to strive to.

This is my story about how I give up on being A Beached Whale forever

So if you don't want to see the semi naked truth then please don't look any further. But I need to face the facts.

This is going to be a no holes barred diary.  It's going to get graphic both visually and verbally. I May even no actually I will resort to a swear word now and again too.

I'd love for you to join me in my journey but if you're squeamish then I'll understand if you don't.

So there you go. You see before you the semi naked truth. Underneath the cool clothes I wear to work to casually hide my bumps and rolls this is me. I look,at myself in the mirror and I cringe at what I see. I cringe that my stomach looks like a beer belly. I cringe that my underarms hang out of my bra strap.  So now you can see too. Can see what I am at the start of my journey. 

So here I go .........