Its just a blue day

A year ago I was in a pretty bad space.

January saw the beginning of the end as far as I was concerned.  I was trying to cope with being diagnosed with severe depression, my weight had ballooned. My relationship with my partner of five years had fallen apart. I had moved out and through the kindness of the most dearest friend, Mal, had found somewhere to live until I could sort myself, or my relationship out and I was a blubbering mess.

By the beginning of March my relationship was over and it wasn't my decision, but the decision was made because of an open letter I wrote and published on Facebook explaining what I was going through, what I was feeling and how I wasn't coping.  It was a letter to Jason and to my friends, acknowledging I was sick and needing help, an outpouring of all my thoughts and feelings, the good and the bad, a way of bringing all my anxiety out in the open, a way of repairing.  It was to me all a part of my healing process.  Unfortunately Jason didn't think so and made the decision that he didn't want to try to heal our relationship and it was over. 

Me in March 2014 - check out the false smile

I didn't think that life could have gotten so awful.  I wasn't suicidal or anything like that but I couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep or eat properly, I lived on a never ending supply of bourbon.  I started smoking a bit again - not regularly but when I felt that emotionally wrenched I needed the calming influence of nicotine. How on earth I coped at work I don't know.  There was a lot of running behind closed meeting room doors when I would start crying for no reason.  A lot of mindless walks around outside trying to calm down and clear my head.



Mal was a godsend.  He was always there when I needed to borrow his shoulder, to cry on or for a hug.  He never gave me advice or told me what I needed to do, but he listened to all of my outpourings.  He put up with me cleaning his flat, cooking for him and making him do the dishes.  Mind you I was trying to put him in training for when his luffly lady Jackie would be arriving from England to live with him.

Blue Day by the band Mi Sex was my song.  Every time I played it, I cried, I blubbered.  But it was my mantra.  I played this song over and over and over and over again.  I'm surprised Mal never shouted at me for playing it so much. I'm sure it, and me, got on his nerves more than once or twice.

It's hard to make believe everyday
Things are not always the way they should be
Words come easy if you-ou try
Hidin' in the shadow of your eyes

And I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
And I tell myself it's just a blue-ue day

Siftin' through the thoughts that lead you on
Find the door that's open, now you're gone
We softly say to our-ourselves
If we could be anybody else

And I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
Blue day-ay
Blue day-ay

When you fin'ly see the change in me
It's hard to understa-and
Why can't you see I'm just the same
As any other man
I can't seem to shake it off
It follows me around
Blue day-ay
Blue day-ay-ay-ayay-ay-ay

And I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
And I tell myself it's just a blue day
So hard to see it any other way
Blue-day-ay-ay-ay
(I tell myself it's just a blue day) 

A year ago last week was the Newtown Festival and there I bumped into Erin.  She was one in my extended circle of contacts.  We had met through a dating website of all places and was one of my friends on Facebook.  She came up to me and gave me a big hug.  Told me not to worry, that everything was going to be alright.  It might not seem like it right now but it would be.

Then she said "Oh and if you want something to take your mind off things why don't you come and help out at Roller Derby". I think i remember saying something like "Yeah right - like I'm going to get on skates again in this lifetime".

Erin explained that they were in need of people to be NSOs - that's Non Skating Officials, for the uninitiated. 

So I said "sure why not, I can come along and watch and see if I like it or not".

So plans were made that day.

A year later, Erin and I met up at this years Newtown Festival in the same spot on the same day and you know what she was right.

Jo and Erin at Newtown Festival 2015

Everything is alright.

I've started losing weight - 7.2kg today (over eight weeks)

I'm still alive and kicking

I'm managing to turn my life around again.

I went to watch Roller Derby and now I am an NSO for Richter City Roller Derby.  I play Scorekeeper or Jam Tracker or Jam Timer and blow the whistle and yell with authority (I love those bits lol),

I managed to find myself somewhere to live. I couldn't live with Mal and Jackie when she arrived.  It wouldn't have been fair on their little love nest no matter how welcome I was.  I decided to stay in Lyall Bay which ironically was the place I used to live with my ex husband before we got married (something like 27 years ago lol).  

You know, I still miss Jason, a little part of me still loves him dearly and wishes that I could turn back time, but I know that is never going to happen.  That we will probably never be friends is a certainty given the animosity over the last few months (but that's another story maybe for another time). 

My year of mourning the loss of the man I wanted to grow old with is now over and a new day (purple of course lol) has begun. 

I also heard my song the other night for the first time in a what seems like forever now.  I was at the bowling club last Friday night and it played on the radio.  It wasn't until just about the end of the song when I clicked it was playing - and I said to myself "Thanks for that song Mi Sex - boy did it help me in my time of need..

And you know what....... 

It was just a blue day

Oh and I haven't had another cigarette again.