Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Another Brick in the Wall

I have lost NO friggen weight in the last two weeks.  After such a great start I've hit my first Brick Wall.  For two weeks now I have gone up and down like a yoyo on the scales that I know something isnt right in my life right now but I just cant pin point it to one specific thing.  
Someone tried to tell me that I'm just retaining water but its not that simple really is it?

So the things I do know that have gone a little skew-wiv are


  • Yes I have been a bit less active due to the weather - I cant get out and bike every day right now because its either to wet or too wild, so that means I don't get to walk as much either.  I try to compensate by walking down the stairs at work as much as I can and walking around the block a few times at work and keeping up with my Monday boot camp as well as when it has been fine enough out to walk or bike I do it but it hasn't been enough, so the time has come where I have to give in and join a gym.
  • Foot intake - Its Autumn, its getting colder so its like i need hotter food - not hot as in spicy but hot as in warmth.  So its my body telling me that just like the change in seasons, its needing a change in what it is getting - so out with the salads and in with the hot meals, the heavy meals, the comfort food.  STOP already tummy.  Im trying to make a change here and you aren't helping.  Someone get me a hypnotist already.  How do I stop wanting takeout, or toasted sandwiches or baked potatoes, or pies, or chips, or  or or all those other luffly hot stuff we tend to draw towards at this time of the year.  I did a crockpot chicken and veges on Sunday.  I ate it Sunday for dinner, Monday for lunch and dinner and theres still at least 4 more servings sitting in the fridge but im bored with it already.  Ive got no room in the freezer so I guess Ill just be chucking out leftovers.  Its so hard sometimes trying to cook for just one person.
  • Stress is rearing its little head again.  I need to stop procrastinating about the fact that my house hasnt sold through this new great online real estate company.  The bank is breathing down my neck because I cant pay the mortgage while its empty and the luffly man who gave me a deal to do some painting and recarpeting and hold off for payment until the house is sold is now starting to get antsy and I dont blame him - its been four months.
  • Water consumption is down because its not so hot anymore and im starting to notice that Im not drinking as many cup fulls of water a day.
So yes putting it down in words has given me an insight into what I need to do to get myself back on track.

  1. Go suss out a gym or two to see which is the right fit for me.
  2. Find some more inspiration for eating right
  3. Go give in and talk to a real real estate agent and organise for the house to go under Tender
  4. Keep up my fluids.
  5. Remember.....


But I also need your help - what have I missed?  what other ideas do you have that I don't?
Please leave me a message below with your thoughts and ideas and give me some inspiration.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Its just a blue day


A year ago I was in a pretty bad space.

January saw the beginning of the end as far as I was concerned.  I was trying to cope with being diagnosed with severe depression, my weight had ballooned. My relationship with my partner of five years had fallen apart. I had moved out and through the kindness of the most dearest friend, Mal, had found somewhere to live until I could sort myself, or my relationship out and I was a blubbering mess.

By the beginning of March my relationship was over and it wasn't my decision, but the decision was made because of an open letter I wrote and published on Facebook explaining what I was going through, what I was feeling and how I wasn't coping.  It was a letter to Jason and to my friends, acknowledging I was sick and needing help, an outpouring of all my thoughts and feelings, the good and the bad, a way of bringing all my anxiety out in the open, a way of repairing.  It was to me all a part of my healing process.  Unfortunately Jason didn't think so and made the decision that he didn't want to try to heal our relationship and it was over. 
Me in March 2014 - check out the false smile

I didn't think that life could have gotten so awful.  I wasn't suicidal or anything like that but I couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep or eat properly, I lived on a never ending supply of bourbon.  I started smoking a bit again - not regularly but when I felt that emotionally wrenched I needed the calming influence of nicotine. How on earth I coped at work I don't know.  There was a lot of running behind closed meeting room doors when I would start crying for no reason.  A lot of mindless walks around outside trying to calm down and clear my head.



Mal was a godsend.  He was always there when I needed to borrow his shoulder, to cry on or for a hug.  He never gave me advice or told me what I needed to do, but he listened to all of my outpourings.  He put up with me cleaning his flat, cooking for him and making him do the dishes.  Mind you I was trying to put him in training for when his luffly lady Jackie would be arriving from England to live with him.


Blue Day by the band Mi Sex was my song.  Every time I played it, I cried, I blubbered.  But it was my mantra.  I played this song over and over and over and over again.  I'm surprised Mal never shouted at me for playing it so much. I'm sure it, and me, got on his nerves more than once or twice.

It's hard to make believe everyday
Things are not always the way they should be
Words come easy if you-ou try
Hidin' in the shadow of your eyes

And I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
And I tell myself it's just a blue-ue day

Siftin' through the thoughts that lead you on
Find the door that's open, now you're gone
We softly say to our-ourselves
If we could be anybody else

And I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
Blue day-ay
Blue day-ay

When you fin'ly see the change in me
It's hard to understa-and
Why can't you see I'm just the same
As any other man
I can't seem to shake it off
It follows me around
Blue day-ay
Blue day-ay-ay-ayay-ay-ay

And I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
I tell myself it's just a blue day
And it's hard to see it any other way
And I tell myself it's just a blue day
So hard to see it any other way
Blue-day-ay-ay-ay
(I tell myself it's just a blue day) 


A year ago last week was the Newtown Festival and there I bumped into Erin.  She was one in my extended circle of contacts.  We had met through a dating website of all places and was one of my friends on Facebook.  She came up to me and gave me a big hug.  Told me not to worry, that everything was going to be alright.  It might not seem like it right now but it would be.

Then she said "Oh and if you want something to take your mind off things why don't you come and help out at Roller Derby". I think i remember saying something like "Yeah right - like I'm going to get on skates again in this lifetime".

Erin explained that they were in need of people to be NSOs - that's Non Skating Officials, for the uninitiated. 

So I said "sure why not, I can come along and watch and see if I like it or not".

So plans were made that day.

A year later, Erin and I met up at this years Newtown Festival in the same spot on the same day and you know what she was right.


Jo and Erin at Newtown Festival 2015


Everything is alright.

I've started losing weight - 7.2kg today (over eight weeks)

I'm still alive and kicking

I'm managing to turn my life around again.

I went to watch Roller Derby and now I am an NSO for Richter City Roller Derby.  I play Scorekeeper or Jam Tracker or Jam Timer and blow the whistle and yell with authority (I love those bits lol),

I managed to find myself somewhere to live. I couldn't live with Mal and Jackie when she arrived.  It wouldn't have been fair on their little love nest no matter how welcome I was.  I decided to stay in Lyall Bay which ironically was the place I used to live with my ex husband before we got married (something like 27 years ago lol).  

You know, I still miss Jason, a little part of me still loves him dearly and wishes that I could turn back time, but I know that is never going to happen.  That we will probably never be friends is a certainty given the animosity over the last few months (but that's another story maybe for another time). 

My year of mourning the loss of the man I wanted to grow old with is now over and a new day (purple of course lol) has begun. 

I also heard my song the other night for the first time in a what seems like forever now.  I was at the bowling club last Friday night and it played on the radio.  It wasn't until just about the end of the song when I clicked it was playing - and I said to myself "Thanks for that song Mi Sex - boy did it help me in my time of need..

And you know what....... 

It was just a blue day

Oh and I haven't had another cigarette again.